Grief Support and Bereavement Resources

Almost everyone has heard of the five stages of grief. What is less widely known is that Elisabeth Kübler-Ross drew them from her work with dying patients, not with the people left behind, and she never intended them as a checklist for the bereaved. Grief does not move through tidy stages, and there is nothing wrong with you if yours does not.

What people actually report is closer to a list of unrelated symptoms:

• Exhaustion that sleep does not touch, or the opposite — not being able to sleep at all
• Losing your appetite, or eating without tasting anything
• Forgetting words, missing appointments, rereading the same page four times
• Anger, at the hospital, at a relative, at yourself, at the person who died
• Relief, especially after a long illness — which then produces guilt about the relief
• Numbness, and the fear that feeling nothing means you did not love them enough
• Physical symptoms: a tight chest, headaches, catching every cold that goes around

It also arrives in waves rather than a straight line. Three good days do not mean you are finished, and a bad Tuesday in month eight does not mean you have gone backward. Two people in the same house will grieve the same death at different speeds and in different ways, and neither of them is doing it wrong.

Support is heaviest in the first two weeks and then it thins out. The casseroles stop, the cards stop, and everyone else goes back to work while your loss is exactly as large as it was the day of the funeral. Families are often blindsided by how lonely the second month is compared with the first.

A few things other families have found worth knowing:

• Let people help with something specific. “Let me know if you need anything” is impossible to answer. “Can you take the yard this month?” is easy to accept, and most people are relieved to be given a job.
• The firsts are the hard ones. The first birthday, the first anniversary, the first Thanksgiving, and the first anniversary of the death. Decide in advance what you want that day to look like, and give yourself permission to change the plan.
• Grief bursts come out of nowhere. A voice in a grocery aisle, a handwriting sample on an old envelope. They are normal, they are brief, and they get further apart.
• Go easy on the large decisions. Counselors commonly suggest holding off on selling the house, moving away, or giving away belongings for the first year if your circumstances allow it. Clothes and possessions will still be there when you are ready.
• Look after the body first. Sleep, water, a short walk, and something to eat do more for the early weeks than anything anyone can say to you.

Children grieve in shorter bursts than adults and will often be laughing ten minutes after crying. That is normal, and it is not a sign they have moved on. Use plain words with them — “died” rather than “lost” or “gone to sleep” — and expect the same questions to come back months later as they get old enough to ask them differently.

Grief is not an illness and most people come through it with time and the people around them. But some grief gets stuck, and there is no prize for waiting it out alone. Talk to your doctor or a counselor if, well past the early months, you are still unable to work or care for yourself, if you are drinking or using more to get through the day, if you have cut yourself off from everyone, or if you find yourself thinking you would rather not be here. Persistent, disabling grief is a recognized condition that responds to treatment. If you are thinking about harming yourself, call or text 988 — the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline answers 24 hours a day.

Places families turn to, most of them at no cost:

• Hospice bereavement programs. If hospice cared for your loved one, they are required to offer your family bereavement support for up to a year afterward, and many hospices open their groups to anyone in the community. Ask — this is the most under-used help there is.
• GriefShare — a 13-week group hosted by churches across Middle Georgia. Search your ZIP code at griefshare.org to find the ones meeting near you.
• TAPS, the Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors, for families grieving a military death — a 24-hour helpline at 800-959-8277 and taps.org. Vet Centers also provide bereavement counseling to families of service members who died on active duty. See Veterans Services.
• The Compassionate Friends, for parents, siblings, and grandparents after the death of a child, with chapters nationwide — compassionatefriends.org.
• Your own church, and a licensed grief counselor. Many therapists in the Warner Robins and Macon area work specifically in bereavement, and your doctor can refer you.

If you are not sure where to start, call us at (478) 733-6469. We would rather help you find the right door than have you sit with it on your own.